Huzzah for the good guys! Huzzah huzzah huzzah!…and help me find my way back to the hotel bar…I’ve been celebrating the recent snatch of a scumbag here in southeast Asia, Thailand to be exact, and I’m afraid I’ve gotten too caught up in the party to be able to navigate the back streets of Bangkok. I’ve got the Murray Head song “One Night in Bangkok” set for permanent repeat on my Ipod, and I’ve been rockin’ it out with my INTERPOL peeps for days. And damn! These INTERPOL guys know how to serve up the drinks after they serve up the justice! What’s that? Never heard of INTERPOL? The INTERnational Criminal POLice Organization? Well let’s pull out the cuffs and get our game on then:

Interpol launches public manhunt for pedophile

Interpol issues notice seeking arrest of Canadian suspected pedophile

Interpol swoops in Thailand

Interpol detains 166 cross-border crime suspects in Tanzania

International Co-operation Leads to Arrest of Rwandan Genocide Suspect

INTERPOL Official Site

Talk about global justice served! Man, I always get fired up when I see the good guys fighting for the global good getting their man…or in this case a total scumbag of a man. Interpol’s most recent incursion into current events came last week when they helped bag some Canadian child molesting shit-eater. Interpol specialists unscrambled an internet-posted image of this dude in the act. They then identified him, and sent out a worldwide information alert which helped track his sick ass down in less than a week, and he was subsequently arrested in Thailand.

Oh, and I suppose I should respect the rights of judicial due process, and declare that this guy is innocent until proven guilty. NOT! I’m a vigilante at heart, but all that aside, the freak posted pictures of himself in the act! Hell no to due process! This twisted shit is guilty! The mere fact that a Canadian was caught outside of his country should be setting off alarm bells. But a single white male Canadian caught in Thailand with photos of himself on the web molesting boys?….um….yeah….that’s what we call an open and shut case…And I hope they open and shut the iron door right on his skull a few hundred times after the trial, if you get my drift.

A little Plaid Avenger tip to you world travelers: don’t get arrested in SouthEast Asia. Bad news my friends, bad news. You ain’t coming out of one of those lock-ups the same man…if you come out at all! But I digress as usual…I don’t want to talk about this bad man, or those bad prisons. I’m much more interested in the good guys that got him. Who the hell is INTERPOL?

In a nutshell: INTERPOL is an organization facilitating international police cooperation. And I do mean international! It is the world’s largest international police organization, with 186 member countries…making it the fifth biggest organization on the planet by membership. INTERPOL helps facilitate co-operation on affairs of justice even when diplomatic relations do not exist between particular countries. So even though countries like the US and Iran hate each other and have absolutely no diplomatic ties, both of those states participate in INTERPOL and therefore exchange information at least in the capacity of serving global justice. Everybody does INTERPOL man!

And what exactly does INTERPOL do? They support and assist all organizations, authorities and services whose mission is to prevent or combat international crime. The BIG thing they do is all about the information. Pooling intelligence, as it were. INTERPOL has the single biggest crime database on the planet…created by verifying, posting, sharing, and cross-referencing all the crime data from all its participating countries…which as I have pointed out, is pretty much the whole damn world! From their website: “One of INTERPOL’s most important functions is to help police in member countries share critical crime-related information using the organization’s system of international notices.”

But not all crime! Just the crimes and criminals that have an international dimension. In order to maintain as politically neutral a role as possible, Interpol’s constitution forbids its involvement in crimes that do not overlap several member countries. In other words, INTERPOL would never interfere in any judicial proceedings on a crime which occurred just in a single state—that is left to the locals to deal with. However, when any individual or criminal organization deals across two or more countries, then INTERPOL tracks and posts the data…and sometimes even gets more pro-active by physically going after the bad guys!

So data sharing is their main deal. They track and post lists of wanted fugitives who have fled across international borders. They post lists of stolen passport identities that all countries can access. They advertise photos and known aliases of criminals. All this data—and much more—is available across the entire planet to all police and government agencies who fight crime. Pretty fucking cool man. Unless you are a criminal of course.

And the criminals they focus on? Its work focuses primarily on public safety, terrorism, organized crime, war crimes, illicit drug production, drug trafficking, weapons smuggling, trafficking in human beings, money laundering, child pornography, white-collar crime, computer crime, Intellectual Property crime and corruption. All bad shit to be sure. And all shit that has global dimensions on our world….which is why its so freakin’ awesome to see a truly positive form of globalization for a change!

Which is the real reason for today’s rant. When are all these politicians and ardent nationalists going to wake the hell up to how the world is working right now? We have a global economy, we have global trade, we have global movement of capital, global movement of people, global corporations, and even global warming. As such, we also now have global crime syndicates, global drug trafficking, global human trafficking, global arms trade…HOWEVER we don’t have any real global law, no global judicial system, and no real way to effectively stop global crime. Why not?

Because most of the countries on the planet refuse to cooperate in a single global law system due to conflicting cultural beliefs, personal vendettas against other countries, and mostly due to fear of loss of a smidgen of sovereignty. Oh shit! There is that sovereignty word again! It is always causing trouble! In particular, the most powerful states in the world—like the US, China, Russia—have no interest in even pretending to participate in a singular global law system, for fear of losing even a modicum of their all-powerful self-rule.

We live in a globalized world people! Crime does not stop at state borders anymore! When nothing else on this planet is confined to state boundaries, why do we still insist that justice be so confined? And frankly, a lot of states are just being dumb not to support more global justice mechanisms.

Want an example? Drugs! No, I don’t mean take them, I mean think about them. Drugs are a global commodity, produced and traded and moved all around the planet by criminal organizations from at least a few dozen different countries. Why would a single state want to take on the burden of fighting a ‘war on drugs’ all by themselves? Its not even possible man! A truly global problem like drug trafficking simply demands a global solution…and a global justice system to try the folks you bust, and a global police to go and bust them.

Well, for now we at least have INTERPOL, which is a start. But I must be honest with you here…it’s not really that much. I think INTERPOL kicks total ass, but the reason that they mostly just deal with information availability is that they don’t have much of a budget or much of a staff to do much else. (Last year they received $59 million in contributions from member states; in contrast EUROPOL received $90, and Bill Gates used $120 million in 100-dollar bills just to wipe his ass.) So they don’t have a lot of coin, or a lot of international authority, to do too much.

What does INTERPOL not do? INTERPOL action is taken within the limits of existing laws in different countries and in the spirit of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. INTERPOL’s constitution prohibits ‘any intervention or activities of a political, military, religious or racial character.’ And while it makes for great fiction, INTERPOL generally does not have a bunch of detectives out searching for clues at the crime scene, and rarely sends agents to go apprehend a criminal. It works with the national and local police to get those things done.

It is still a cool concept to think about though, and you have probably seen reference to INTERPOL in a film or two as well. Ethan Hawke played an INTERPOL agent tracking down the Nicolas Cage character in Lords of War ;a movie about the illegal global arms trade. Inspector Gadget is supposed to be an INTERPOL agent. In the movie Mission: Impossible III, Ethan Hunt is told he is on INTERPOL’s Most Wanted list. My personal favorite—mostly because she is a hottie—is Agent Isabel Lahiri played by Catherine Zeta-Jones in Oceans Twelve.

Actually, Agent Lahiri was a EUROPOL agent—EUROPOL is exactly like INTERPOL except it is a collaboration just of EU countries under a common crime-fighting umbrella. However, Agent Lahiri is forced near the end of the film to turn over the Oceans Twelve suspects to a group of folks posing as…can you guess?…INTERPOL agents of course! Dude! That movie totally kicks ass! That was easily the best acting job I’ve ever seen Bruce Willis do…oh, wait a minute, he was playing himself. Hmmm, I guess that explains it. But I digress as usual…

So now you know INTERPOL and what it does. You also know its limitations, and limited use in today’s world…a situation which all fighters for global justice must help remedy! As Batman and Robin would say: “Support your local police”….as The Plaid Avenger insists: “Support your global justice system”, and for now, that justice is INTERPOL.

Crime is no longer just local, and so justice should not be either. Rock on, fighters for truth and freedom on the planetary platform!

Holy shit! We got game on again here in Burma, and leave it to a bunch of Buddhist monks top get this party started! 10,000 monks to be exact. And they are starting to get open support from the masses too…in a situation that is becoming eerily similar to the 8888 Uprising—remember that? This is a Plaid Avenger update story, since I have just reported from Burma week before last, so if you don’t know 8888 or the background…then check this first: Junta Jackasses Manhandling Monks?

Even as good as I am, I never would have predicted this crazy whack turn of events. Monks making my girl Aung San Suu Kyi cry? Wow. Totally insane. General Than Shwe and his band of merry merchants of death are up against the ropes to be sure….and the time may be right for their well-deserved departure. But don’t count those assholes out just as yet, because they have a long history of crushing their own citizenry. But first, to the news…

Protests swell against Burma’s military regime

Burma march largest in 20 years

Suu Kyi greets Burma protesters

Regional perspective: UN Security Council: The real battle on Burma

ASEAN leader appeals for restraint amid Myanmar’s growing anti-government protests

So what the hell has been going on this weekend, and why might this be the right time for us to say ‘ta-ta’ to Than Shwe? As seen from the stories above and the Plaid Avenger’s previous rant, the Burmese Buddhists have had enough, and have organized and taken to the streets. This all started as a protest over a hike in fuel process a month ago, but as predicted by the Plaid, has become a general movement across the country to get rid of the ruling military junta jack-asses, and finally implement freedom and democracy for the Burmese people. Sweet! Go guys go!

In a complete surprise move, they marched past Aung San Suu Kyi’s domicile, where our favorite freedom-fighter-hottie has been held in house-arrest for most of the past 15 years—and Suu Kyi came out to greet them, said nothing, but just wept for joy! Damn! These people are facing certain death and destruction, and they just keep putting themselves out there! How awesome!

So the monks are on the march, and are now saying that they will go on protesting indefinitely until the junta is jettisoned. A bunch of holy dudes without any weapons at all are preparing to face up against the Generals, who of course control the entire army. And you know what happens when dudes without guns fight dudes with guns….so this could turn nasty at any given second. So why hasn’t it yet?

Because the Generals don’t want to appear to be the butcher bastards that they actually are. Buddhist monks, like holy men in most places, are revered in Burma. The last thing the Generals want transmitted across the airwaves of the world are images of the military massacring monks. That just usually looks really bad. On top of that, a monk massacre may in fact incite the masses to go completely nuts and tear the government to bits. And make no bones about it: those monks know what they are doing…and they are apparently every bit prepared to face the guns and die for their cause.

So the Generals are in a real tricky spot right now…. They don’t want to appear weak, otherwise the fighters for freedom will be embolden to do more, and at the same time don’t want to get into a monk-mayhem-massacre to establish their authority. So they are doing nothing for now. But do not start the celebrations yet—if those assholes get put up against a wall, they will order the massacre of every man, woman and child in Burma. Yes, they are that cold-blooded and ruthless; their history speaks for itself. But the Avenger is extremely hopeful that this Burmese uprising may unfold differently than in times past, for reasons I want you to know…

So why might it actually be time for change in Burma? Why might it be time for Than to take a permanent vacation…hopefully to hell?

1) We live in the modern world. Communications are now instantaneous and global. If the junta starts widespread massacres, the entire world will know about it immediately. And due to global news sources, a lot more people know about the Burmese situation and are following its every move…unlike ever before. They could get away with that shit 20 years ago without anybody knowing about it, but not anymore.

2) The junta DOES NOT want the bad press. Burma is a UN member, but more importantly, a member of ASEAN—which is a powerful regional trade block. ASEAN has already criticized the junta in the past, and some members already want Burma out of the block. If they start doing bad shit, the UN, ASEAN and even APEC will not be happy with the regime, which is going to have political and economic ramifications. And finally, the big reason it may be time for change…

3) China may bail. China has stuck up for the regime for decades under a bullshit umbrella theory that sovereignty trumps all (you know what I’m saying here, right world watchers? we’ve discussed this China sovereignty infatuation in the past). China also has protected the Burmese regime in order to limit ‘western’/democratic influence in its immediate neighborhood. But China wants to be considered a legit and noble world power on par with the US. If a massacre begins, China is not going to want to stick up for those assholes, and thus ruin their own reputation.

But maybe you are asking, ‘Why now?’ ‘Why would China change their attitude now?’ Answer: China has only come into its own as a world power in the last decade. And the Burmese junta has been fairly well-behaved in that same decade—mostly because there have been no major uprisings in the last decade. So if a massacre ensues, this will be the first time in the modern era that China will have to decide if they want to protect a pack of monk-killing maniacs.

The Plaid Avenger instinct is that they will not. Remember, China’s reputation is already on the ropes from all the shitty products that they have been exporting here lately, and they are hosting the Olympics—so trust me, the Chinese DO NOT want any Than Shwe tarnish on their reputation right now; they are going to bail if killing starts!

And that would be the one big thing that would end this Burmese mess once and for all—for China to stop shielding them. The US and the UK have wanted to have UN involvement in Burma for decades, but since China is on the Permanent Security Council the issue has always been killed before it could come up. With the Frenchies now on Team US/UK, you can be sure that if a massacre starts in Burma, the US will put forward a resolution condemning the junta and possibly suggesting UN action. And I’m betting China may go along with it too to save face. Damn! Its amazing how hosting the Olympics changes a country’s behavior! Just think about this: if China were to protect the Burmese junta after a massacre now, it would not surprise me to see a lot of western countries boycott the Olympics! That would cause serious embarrassment for my main man Hu! China don’t want that! And that’s why they will bail from the Burmese bastards!

But speaking of western countries, its time for me to change out of my plaid Buddhist robes and head back west to Germany because Oktoberfest is starting! Hell yes! But wait, maybe I’ll keep my robes on, because there is a famous Buddhist partying in Germany already! Sweet! Time to get my Buddhist/Oktoberfest drink on!

Go get’em monks!

Greetings from Burma my plaid friends! The place was renamed Myanmar by the military dictator assholes who are currently crushing the country under an iron fist, so in the name of freedom, please always refer to this state as Burma: it’s first, true, and free name! But I get ahead of myself in this story, because quite frankly it pisses me off so much that it gets my panties in a bunch in a hot shit hurry! I just covertly slid my plaid hydrofoil craft onto the beaches of Burma outside of Rangoon. Why covertly? Because the whack leaders of this crazy state have turned this tropical paradise into a full-fledged psychotic hell on earth—and they don’t take kindly to strangers…especially those that are dedicated fighters for freedom! The Plaid Avenger will strike this place with a fury that hell hath not known! But first, some news:

Myanmar junta deploys police at monasteries to contain monk protests

Burma junta snarls at West

Burma cracks down on Students group

Myanmar junta accuses top activists of terrorism

Myanmar troubles Apec

So what you can see from the stories above is that Burma is currently entering a state of crisis for the government….but know this my plaid friends: it’s not the first crisis those assholes have encountered! Folks are starting to take to the streets to protest the doubling of fuel prices in the country that happened last week. And the military dictators in charge are responding as usual: by sending the army and police to arrest, or beat the shit out of, or outright kill the student protestors, regular working class folks, and even Buddhist monks! I’m sorry, but any government that kills college students and monks is just a pack of freakin’ shit-hounds in the Avenger’s eyes! Beating up college co-ed hotties? There is no excuse! Assholes! The lot of them! That’s why I refer to them as military ‘dick’-tators. Dammit! I’m fired up!!! But I digress as usual….back to the story:

The protests erupting across the country over fuel are being brutally suppressed, but you should be aware that what is happening right now is a repeat of past events. This is not new material. This pack of dick-tators has crushed, maimed, tortured and killed its citizens for over 45 years….especially the ones that have protested about anything, especially any kind of democratic reform. Hmmmm…perhaps we should back up the cart a little for you to understand this one…

Burma used to be part of the ‘British India’ colonial territorial holdings, which also included modern day India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh. The Brits gave up claim to these territories on in 1947, and thus began the history of the modern states of India and Pakistan…and of course our friends here in Burma. The transitional government was headed up by a dude named Aung San [this is an important dude: note his name] who was leader of the army and a great national hero who was poised to lead his country into a new democratic age, when he was assassinated by political rivals/soon-to-be-dick-tators in late 1947. The wimpy government that assumed control only lasted about 15 years before an outright dick-tator named General Ne Win chucked them out in 1962, starting a 26-year rule of bullshit.

And I do mean bullshit. This asshole actually ordered the bombing of his own country’s universities man! Under Ne Win’s reign, there were many crackdowns in which civilians and college students were terrorized and slaughtered. One of particular note was the ‘U Thant Uprising’ which occurred in 1974.

U Thant was a beloved Burmese academic who became the Secretary General of the UN. The freakin’ UN man! But he was despised by the military junta back home, basically because they were jealous little bitches. When U died and his body was sent back to Burma to be buried, the dick-tators refused to give him any honors, and were just going to dump his body in an unmarked grave. A group of students actually stole the damn guys coffin, and set up a make-shift mausoleum on Rangoon University. The generals sent in the army to kill as many students as possible and take back the body. Riots erupted in the streets at this action, so the dick-tators had to slaughter a bunch more folks to squash the uprisings. What a bunch of dics!

It would take a whole book to tell you about all the horrific shit these assholes have done, but I just want you to know one more reference in order to understand the events that are unfolding today….and that’s the ‘8888 Uprising.’ Yes my brothers and sista’s that’s right: its called the 8888, which makes it awfully easy to remember. It stands for the events of August 8^th, 1988 and it should make you pause to wonder why the West hasn’t invaded this damn country yet….

In a nutshell, by 1988 the mismanagement and political oppression brought to Burma by the dick-tators had taken its toll: Burma was one of the poorest most backwards nations on the planet. General Ne sucked so bad that even he had lost internal support and announced his retirement. A peaceful pro-democracy movement quickly spread through the country, and people took to the streets to demand a voice in their government. What they got instead was the living shit kicked out of them…

By 8-8-88, the movement erupted full-scale in Rangoon. Tens of thousands of students were joined by blue-collar workers, and families and even monks in the demonstrations. The Ne Win government fully collapsed, but was quickly replaced by the next dick-tator, General Saw Maung. Gen. ‘Buzz-Saw’ Saw declared martial law and proceeded to cut down thousands and thousands of unarmed men, women and children and even monks in a hail of bullets from the military. What an asshole! [Go rent the movie Beyond Rangoon for a decent depiction of these events.] But enter a new figure: Aung San Suu Kyi. Recognize the name? You should! She is the daughter of the most admirable Aung San, as mentioned above! And she is a hottie!

Aung San Suu Kyi returns to Burma after living abroad, and is so incensed about the 8888 Uprising, that she starts a campaign to bring democracy to Burma—a mission she is still on to this day! For two years she rallies the masses and organizes the peaceful movement of democratic change, and is extremely successful at it too!

What happens next is still a mystery even to me—and I was there man! I was so trying to hook up with Suu Kyi! But I digress… In 1990, the dick-tators for reasons unknown decided to allow an election and promised to allow the country to select the next government. The elections were held, and SURPRISE! SURPRISE! Aung San Suu Kyi and her democratic party won in a complete freakin’ landslide! Who the hell knows what the military dick-tators were thinking…I guess they radically over-estimated the “please we want to remain poor and fucked” voter demographic.

In any case, can you guess what happens next? That’s right: the dick-tators refused to recognize the results, arrested Suu Kyi, and went out and shot a bunch more of their own citizens just for good measure. And Suu Kyi has pretty much been under military house arrest ever since. And the country has pretty much been screwed ever since. For her efforts, Suu Kyi won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1991, and she has resolutely stayed on her mission for reform ever since. What a trooper! She is a serious fighter for truth, justice, and the democratic way! I get all teary-eyed just thinking about her!

In 1992 the government was taken over by General Than Shwe, and that asshole is still in charge to this day. What a joke. Look at all his nice medals on his chest…I wonder if they get a new medal each time they kill another 1000 Burmese? He certainly didn’t win any of those cracker-jack prizes in a real military campaign, because no one in Burma has ever been in one. They have to be the only army in history whose ‘battle’ victories have all been won against unarmed people. Geez what a bunch of ass nuggets…

But to finish up this rant, know this: what comes around goes around. And it looks like Burma is heading for another round. As witnessed this week, after the government raised fuel prices, grassroots political protests are starting to get hot…and they are growing fast. The initial protest may be over fuel, but just as in 8888, protest for real change is lying just under the surface. And just like in 8888, the government has promised to brutally beat the shit out of its own people to keep them in their place. But this time everyone is watching! APEC and ASEAN are two different economic groups which have been putting the heat on the generals to behave, and you Americans should be particularly proud to note that your country has had a trade embargo against this asshole government for years in order to effect some political change. Too bad the wussy Europeans and indifferent Chinese have not had the same hard -line as the US…which is why the junta has been able to survive and flourish for so long. But if another 8888 occurs, even the Chinese may start to get antsy about trading with Burma.

So it looks like a Burmese face-off is in place, and ready to explode at any time. And time may be running out for the dick-tators, especially if they start slaughtering folks again. But I won’t lie to you: they are bad-asses, and have basically promised a bloodbath, and have even bashed international voices that have been condemning them (i.e. the US).

Damn those Burmese bastards. Didn’t the US invade Afghanistan and Iraq partly to spread democracy? Well….what about Burma then? They actually already had successful elections! Free Aung San Suu Kyi! Come on America! Do what you do best! Invade this country! De-throne these assholes!! Let freedom ring!!!