Ha! Smashing comedy! How capital! And speaking of capital, today’s topical topic involves those eight countries containing copious quantities of capital—the G-8. The Great-8 as I like to refer to them as. And the G could also stand for G-money my brotha’s and sista’s cause the 8 has got that too! I was just taking a weekend holiday in Amsterdam, when sure enough anywhere I show up shit hits the fan…and by shit I mean beer bottles, rocks, tear gas…you know, usual mob stuff.

That’s right friends, it’s almost time for the annual G8 summit and the Germans decided to start celebrating a couple of days early! Check this out:

G-8 Protesters Clash With German Police

Violent clashes at G8 demo in Germany

You remember the G8, right? If not, the G8 is basically just a group of eight richest “democratic” countries (Germany, US, UK, France, Italy, Canada, Japan, and Russia). Once a year, the leaders of the G8 states like to get together and chat—mostly about staying rich and keeping everyone else poor. This is actually how the G8 got started—leaders from the six richest, most awesome democratic countries (this is before Canada and Russia joined the club) met for cocktails in 1975 and after the party, they decided to do it again next year. This yearly party slowly evolved into a formal organization with a rotating presidency, blah, blah, blah…

Anyway, there is one sucky aspect about being president of the G8: you gotta host the party! Let me tell you, I have hosted some Animal House style parties in my day, but even the Plaid Avenger would NEVER choose to host a G8 summit! Nothing incites the poor, the disenfranchised, and the radical-left like a bunch of empowered white dudes getting together to bullshit about being rich. And NOBODY likes to riot more than the before mentioned groups (except, perhaps, residents of Detroit, Michigan).

As you can tell by the articles, this year’s summit is being held at a beach front resort in Heiligendamm, Germany. Ahhh… summer in Germany… and there is nothing as exclusive as a beach front resort surrounded by a giant-ass barb wire fence. And with an “underwater barrier” erected to keep out all the damn boats. (Plaid Party Tip: The secret to throwing a great summit—Fortify the SHIT out of the place!) The party will surely be wild inside the fence. It will be the last G8 summit meeting for several important heads of state: Vlad “The Man” Putin, Tony “Poodle-Boy” Blair, and Jacques “The Rock” Chirac (Plaid Prediction: the Kempinski Grand Hotel will be several bathrobes short at the end of the summit). It will also be the first G8 summit for Gordon ‘Brown Sugar’ Brown, Nick ‘the Knife’ Sarkozy, and Shinzo “Sake-to-me” Abe—who, according to several sources, is capable of drinking over 30 Sapparo Black Label beers in one sitting! Sweet!

But, the real excitement will be outside of the fence. The pre-party started at a peaceful protest” in nearby Rostock. Don’t be surprised if people get more pissed and more violent after the summit actually begins! While G8 summits are typically filled with protest, this year may be worse than normal. Here are a few reasons why:

1.Energy costs are sky high.

2.Global Warming scares the shit out of people living in the Northern European lowlands.

3.GW Bush is remarkably even LESS popular than he was last year. Jesus! How is that possible?

What will the summit accomplish? Probably nothing as usual. This international group does not have any binding contractual agreement to actually do or enforce anything. It’s more just a ‘fireside chat’ among these top world leaders about what to focus on in the coming year, with no real intent to actually put any policy in place.

However, you should be aware about this ‘focus’ stuff. It was absolutely no coincidence that US President George Bush suddenly came out with a policy just last week which states that his administration wants to start dealing with global warming—after essentially ignoring the issue for six years! Its going to be up for debate at the G-8, and George doesn’t want to be odd man out anymore.

Also, look for everyone to be kissing Putin’s ass as much as possible since Russia is flexing its muscles here lately since establishing itself as an energy-producing giant. Since Russia provides shit-tons of energy to Europe, I’ll also bet that Putin is going to be putting the squeeze on those European leaders to convince the US to stop building its missile defense shield sites in Eastern Europe—in fact I’d put a lot of money on that bet.

OK, enough on this, I’m headed back to the “coffee shop”. I’ll catch you plaid cats later. Party in plaid.

Watch out kids! Godzilla! Godzilla! Hello again my friends. The Plaid Avenger is back again in full force to force you to focus on the foreseeable future of forces in Japan…military force that is. Perhaps you already know that Japan does not have a military. No army, no navy, no air force or marines….at least that’s what is says on paper. Of course, our pacifist Pacific pals do have a bunch of dudes running around in uniforms, with guns, on planes, and in tanks. So what jives Japan? Take a look:

Abe facing battle over constitutional change
Japan marks 60th anniversary of postwar Constitution
Japan PM calls for defence review
Japan extends its military reach

Oh Abe, Abe, Abe, you are a busy bee! Not ‘Honest Abe’ Lincoln mind you, but Abe Shinzo the recently elected Japanese Prime Minister. And the ‘recently –elected’ descriptor is important for you to know, because it means that he is going to be a player for a while on the global stage. So know Abe, but more importantly for this blog, know that Abe wants some changes. Constitutional changes to be precise…

Our main man Abe is actually guiding Japan in a new direction regionally as well, as he is making a concerted effort to warm the often frigid relations between Japan and China. His predecessor Junichiro Koizumi, was a much more hawkish figure who regularly pissed off China and Korea by visiting the Yasukuni shrine—a war shrine honoring the Japanese dead from World War II, including soldiers and convicted war criminals who committed all manner of atrocities against the Koreans and the Chinese, among others. It appears that Abe is not going to be visiting the shrine in an effort to not piss off everyone else in the region, but we shall pick up on that subject in a different blog.

However, while Koizumi and Abe have different approaches to shrine visits, they are of one mind on the military: they both want it back. Want it back? What the hell does that mean Plaid Avenger? Where did they lose their military? Under a rock? In the Sea of Japan? Did Godzilla eat it? No, no, no…it’s nothing like that. It’s more like this:

During World War II, Japan was on the bad guy team. You know, the Nazis, Mussolini’s Italy, and the Japanese. What a bizarre grouping. Anyway, as you should know, the bad guys lost WWII, and for Japan this meant occupation by the United States—since it was the US who conducted the entire War in the Pacific component of the fighting, and after we dropped a mega-shit ton of bombs across the country, followed up by a couple of atomic ones. Lights out. Game over. US takes over.

Under direction of General Douglas MacArthur, the entire country was remodeled based on the ‘western’ example. The educational systems, banking systems, government systems, and for this discussion in particular: the constitution. The US basically wrote it, and told the Japanese leadership: “Okay, sign here on the dotted line.” So what? Why is this important for our discussion? Because in that constitution was placed a pacifist clause which prohibited Japan from ever having a military. And they still don’t. And that is what Abe wants to change.

“But wait Plaid Avenger, I’ve seen pictures of army dudes, and Japanese naval vessels, and Japanese guys helping the US in Iraq—but mostly I’ve seen all sorts of Japanese armaments as they battled Godzilla in all those movies…so what gives?” Excellent question! What you have seen/are seeing is what’s called the Japanese Self-Defense Force—a group of guys with guns and toys that look a hell of a lot like a military, except for one thing: they don’t leave the country. It’s supposed to be the equivalent of the National Guard in the US: there for emergencies and self-defense of the motherland if anyone were to ever invade.

However, this Self-Defense Force has been changing rapidly here lately. In 2004, a small contingent of this force was sent to help the US in Iraq. That was the first time since WWII that any Japanese soldier was sent abroad. Many people in Japan were outraged—how could such a move be justified as defending Japan? To be sure, it was mostly a move of political support for the US (I think only 19 Japanese guys actually went, but the US got to chalk up a whole other country to its list of supporters). After all, Japan has to keep kissing the US’ ass since Uncle Sam is the real protector of Japan, specifically against any current threat from North Korea, and any possible future threat from China.

And know this too: China, Korea, and many other Asian nations are not happy about Japan possibly re-arming, as they are still plenty pissed about WWII. See…this is why you have to know your damn history people!

So on one side you have a lot of Japanese folks and surrounding countries who want to keep Japan as a pacifist state. And on the other hand you have Abe and others in the leadership who now want to change the constitution to allow for a true defensive and offensive military, both for their security and to appease the US. The US really wants Japan to re-arm, and is pushing hard for this. Why? Because the US wants to use the military might of a re-armed Japan as a counter-balance to the growth of Chinese power in the region. It’s all such a delicious game of RISK, you know, the military game of dominance from Milton Bradley. Check and check-mate! Oh waiter, check please!

Oh wait, we have to stop and savor the historical irony here: the US is pushing hard for Japan to scrap part of its constitution that the US forced Japan to adopt 60 years ago. Ha! How hilarious!

Could you make this shit up if you tried?

We shall see how this plays out in the very near future. The changing of a constitutional clause in Japan will cause considerable consternation in the Pacific. Too true, too true. Watch out! Godzilla may rise again!

Hello Plaid friends! Just got back from Beijing where I was being fitted for some custom-made plaid boxer-briefs. You can’t get that kind of high quality shit here in the states, and when the measurements are taken by a team of Chinese hotties…well, let’s just say “me love China long time!” And my Plaid brothers, let me give you a small piece of advice: boxer-briefs. Not boxers. Not briefs. But boxer-briefs. Ask any lady—they totally dig the boxer-briefs. And in plaid? Watch out! You will be irresistible!

Anyway, after the marathon boxer-brief bonanza, I bumped into a bodacious brother that I feel all worldy-wise people should know about—Wen Jiabao. Who is the man in China? Yes, Hu is the man in China! But you need to know the Hu, what, where and Wen of China, and Wen is the subject of this rant. Wen? Now!

Premier Wen visits Japan

China ‘wants better Japan ties’

Chinese PM announces Ghana loan

China gives Cambodia $600m in aid

China PM lauds India agreements

Wen Jiabao is China’s Premier/Prime Minister, and easily one of the hardest working cats on the foreign relations front from anywhere on the damn Plaid planet. This guy is a serious Chinese ‘Johnny Hustle’ man! He has been busting his ass for years touring the globe and wringing hands and striking deals from Brazil to Sudan to India to Australia. Back the fuck up my friends, don’t get in this guy’s way, ‘cause he means business–literally!

The US Secretary of State Condelezza Rice is usually out touring middle eastern hotspots and old Cold War allies trying to put a positive spin on the current administrations debacles. Meanwhile, Wen Jiabao has been hitting every singe region and state on the planet cutting business, trade, and energy deals. He also has been cementing strategic alliances, offering up aid and incentive packages for developing countries, and even firming up ties with old enemies (see story above on Japan).

The contrast could not be more striking that that between Rice and Wen: when Rice shows up on scene, it’s usually to scowls and harsh questions; when Wen is in house, its usually all smiles!

As you are reading this, right this second, Wen is in Japan addressing the Japanese Diet. No, he’s not talking about sushi and sake; the Diet is the equivalent of the US Congress—and he is the first Chinese Prime Minister to ever be invited to it for decades. And what’s he talking about? How China wants to firm up ties with their historic arch-enemy Japan…and the first thing he brings up is Japanese war atrocities during WWII! Man, this guy’s got balls!

And he commands respect too. Some in Japan will condemn his remarks, but the current Japanese leadership (Shinzo Abe in particular) are going to continue to strengthen their relationship with Wen, Hu, and China in general. He also is extremely adept at finding new friends in Latin America, in Africa, in the Middle East, and South Asia as well. This dude has been everywhere in the last several years! Simultaneously, the US admin’s main leaders have gone virtually nowhere…which is one of the reasons that so many places are finding it very easy to cozy up to China.  Latin America and Africa in particular are establishing all kinds of trade links and relationships with China…a situation which is perturbing the US greatly.

But how can you blame these regions/countries from hooking up with China? China’s economy is exploding; China needs the raw materials and energy resources that many developing countries have to offer; China often offers no-strings-attached financial aid to developing countries; and China is seen as a growing world political power with increasing clout, but not as an imperial power which invades other countries. Hmmmm…..who in the world would be seen in that light?

Wen has been cultivating these relationships all over the planet, courting countries large and small. And with great success. The fact that he is in office for life—or until the Chinese leadership wants him to go away—means that he will be active on the world stage for some time to come. So know Wen, and know Wen well.

Premier Wen is the nizzle, the whizzle, the Chinese fra-schizzle!!!