Forget the Fantastic 4, you want to know about the Fabulous 5! Greetings from the New York City my plaid friends! From the United Nations Headquarters to be exact. And there are big things are going on in the Big Apple, not the least of which is the Avenger knocking back a dozen big-ass Manhattans—my mixed drink of choice here in the big city. Hey, the town’s so nice they named it twice, so I have to drink twice as much when I party here! But I digress as usual….While this weekend’s meeting will cover many tipples and topics, I just wanted to give you a quick rant about the UN’s most powerful component: the UN Permanent Security Council. Check out these stories related to this group’s recent activity:

Security Council reps discuss Iranian sanctions

Security Council Reform Resolution Fuels German Hope for Seat

Signs of shift in Iran stand-off

U.N. to revisit Security Council growth

U.N. Security Council has imposed an arms embargo on Sudan

The United Nations Security Council (UNSC) is the main organ of the UN charged with maintaining peace and security among countries. While lots of other committees do lots of other shit, all that shit only amounts to recommendations that are made to countries of the world. However, the Security Council has the power to make decisions which member governments must carry out under the UN Charter—a charter which all members states have agreed to. Starting to get the picture here? If the Security Council passes a resolution, it must be enforced…by force if necessary!

In example: if a country on the Security Council proposes a resolution to bomb Burma, and that resolution passes, then the UN has to act on it, and Burma will be bombed. That is an extreme scenario, but you get the point. In 1950, it was just such a UN resolution that led to the invasion of South Korea by (US-led) UN forces to counter the hostile North Korean takeover that we now call the Korean War.

But let’s look at the mechanics of how this shit actually works. The Security Council is made up of 15 member states, consisting of five permanent seats and ten temporary seats. Ah! Now we finally see the ‘permanent’ part of this group, and the reason for this blog. The permanent five are the US, the UK, China, Russia, and France. The ten temporary seats are held for two-year terms with member states voted in by the UN General Assembly, and broken down roughly on a regional basis (i.e. like 2 from Africa, 2 from Latin America, 2 from Middle East, etc.). So those 10 temporary seats are rotating, usually about half of them rotate out every year.

But the big 5! That is where all the action really is! Why? Because the Permanent Security Council members have this one all important distinction: veto power! Any one of the 5 permanent members can stop any resolution dead in its tracks. Russia or France or China can kill anything the US or Great Britain puts forward, and the US can crush anything the Russians or Chinese want to pass. It’s just that simple. And that’s what creates all the drama!

Why so much drama? Because for the UN to actually send troops or aid to any part of the world requires a resolution from the council. See, the entire Security Council votes on all issues, with each country getting one vote. For any resolution to pass, it must have at least 9 ‘yes’ votes, and zero ‘veto’ votes from any of the permanent 5. And the big permanent 5 don’t always see eye to eye on what the UN should be doing, because they all have different allies and strategic partners and motivations to consider. So to keep our example going, the US would actually love to pass a resolution to send in troops to Burma to straighten that shit government out, but everyone knows the Chinese would veto it in a hot-shit second because the Chinese are big buddies of the Burmese regime.

Need another example? Just think back to the lead-up to the current US invasion of Iraq. That is a US invasion, not a UN invasion, precisely because of the dynamics of the Permanent Security Council. The US was working damn hard to get the Council to pass a resolution to invade Iraq, but the Frenchies outright vetoed it, so the Ruskies didn’t even have to (which would have been likely). Thus, french fries became ‘freedom fries’, but you know that story already…

To keep it even more real, consider the current Iranian situation as referenced in the stories above. The US and the UK have for some time wanted to pass some resolutions to beat down the Iranians, but haven’t really bothered because the Frenchies and Russians would veto it. Now with Nick Sarkozy and the Frenchies coming over to Team USA, the sides are starting to get stacked in their favor….BUT the Russians are big buddies with the Iranians and will still likely veto any resolution that calls for military action against Iran. Can you dig it?

Just as a side note: China typically votes against any resolution which involves military action against any country. They are big fans of sovereignty, and as such think that only some whack-ass extreme behavior by a state would warrant the use of UN force. What wusses. Actually, they are hesitant to violate any other countries sovereignty mostly because they don’t want anyone to invade theirs. They just don’t want to piss anyone off.

And you should know that a country can actually decide not to vote at all—which happens quite a bit with the Chinese. They might not like a resolution, but if everyone else wants it, they will just not vote, thereby saving face. To keep our Iranian example: if the Russians eventually agree to some use of force against Iran, China will not want to stand in the way of a resolution that everyone wants, so they will abstain from the vote….so they won’t piss off the US, UK and France, and at the same time can tell the Iranians “Hey, don’t be pissed at us! We didn’t vote for it! Send your terrorist to their countries, not ours!” See how this shit works?

To finish, you just got to know your Permanent Security Council 5, and how their behavior in large part determines the actions of the entire UN. Many folks want to expand the Permanent Security Council membership and change some of the rules to better represent the world and end the predictable stalemates. Check the stories above for activity on that front…and know this: Germany will likely join soon, as they already are invited to virtually every high-level talk that the Council holds. You will often see news stories reference meetings like this: The Permanent 5 + Germany.

Hmmm….Germany….isn’t it about time for Octoberfest celebrations to begin?

Whew! Finally thawing out from my weekend Arctic adventures, and what better place to do it than a coffee house here in Vienna, Austria. Hell, these people invented the coffee house! Mmmmm….soaking up the warmth of a good cup of joe spiked with Zirbenz…my favorite Alpine liqueur. Ahhh…inhaling the heady smoke of a dark bean roast whilst having my shoulders massaged by a sweet little fraulein…oops, where was I? Oh yes! Vienna! What brings the Avenger here, you ask? Well, I had to come down to chill at IAEA headquarters and party with my favorite Austrian Egyptian, Mohamed ElBaradei, who once again finds himself in hot water. Ha! How fitting! Hot water in a coffee house…oh my, sometimes I am too damn good! To the facts:

France ups ante in war of words with Iran over nuke issue

France seeks new set of sanctions on Iran

Europeans Tone Down War Rhetoric in Iran Nuclear Stand-Off

Western talk of Iran war premature “hype”: IAEA head

ElBaradei at center of standoff over Iran’s nuclear program

So before we get to this Elbaradei cat and why he’s so damn important, let’s browse over the headlines. In a nutshell, Iran has been developing its nuclear program at a rapid pace. Iran has claimed from the get go that their program is all about nuclear energy production, and no more. In their defense, Iran is a signatory of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT): a treaty which prohibits the spread of nuke weapons, encourages disarmament of states with nuke weapons, and allows for the development of nuke energy. So far, Iran has been a lawful abider of this treaty, having broken none of its rules. Sorry! I know a lot of folks don’t want to hear that. I’m not defending them…it’s just the way it is.

However, the US and ‘the West’ don’t like and don’t trust Iran, so they believe the Iranians are really after development of nuclear weapons. In their defense, they could be right. That Iranian regime is far from anything you would call stable and sensible. But given the US/the West’s involvement in all the countries surrounding Iran (Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan), I can see why they might crave the security blanket that a nuke bomb might provide them. This is just plaid conjecture of course, but I can understand why they might want one. Can’t you? Hell, if I lived anywhere near the Middle East, I’d want as much ammunition as I could get. Shit, I’d park a scud missile in my garage….but I digress as usual…

So Iran wants a nuke program, ‘the West’ does not want that to happen, and the issue has been heating up here lately…as if the Middle East needed more heat? The US and the EU have been bringing the heat by calling for strict sanctions against the country in order to force them to give up the nuke stuff. And this week’s heat has been coming from quite the unexpected source: the French! Ever since Nick Sarkozy took over as President of France (see: Sarkozy the Shit-Kicker), those guys have seemingly grown some escargot balls of steel overnight. The Frenchies have been insistent that all steps will be taken to ensure that Iran will never have a nuke program…including the possibility of war!

What a bizarre turn of events for the French: they are never the instigators of war….they usually just surrender when the war breaks out. Damn! You know you must be pissing people off if the French want to fight you! Shit! Hitler couldn’t even pull that one off! I just can’t help but think that the US is finding all this terribly amusing: the Frenchies are being more bad-ass than the Bush-ies! How sweet would that be though: the US sending in ‘the boys in berets’ as its first assault wave? Ha! Yep, this situation continues to get hotter and hotter as the weeks pass….but there is a splash of cold water to all of this rhetoric…and that cool water’s name is Mohamed ElBaradei. I refer to him as ‘Cool Hand Nuke’, and he is the real point of today’s blog.

You’ve got to know this dude, because his opinion, and his voice, will be seriously affecting how shit gets played out on our planet in the coming years. Big time. So who is he? Mohamed ElBaradei is an Egyptian diplomat and Director General of the IAEA….aka the International Atomic Energy Agency, a sub-organization of the UN. And an important one at that. The IAEA’s basic mission is to promote the peaceful use of nuke technology for energy purposes while simultaneously limiting nuke technology for weapons purposes. They are often referred to as “the UN’s Nuclear Watchdog”. These are the guys who do inspections on facilities the world over to ensure that the IAEA and the NPT’s aims are being met.

As the head of the IAEA, ElBaradei has the daunting task of compiling all the investigative clues and deciding if a country is breaching the NPT by trying to create nuke weapons. And this is a shitty job. Why? Look at the headlines again from above. Because there is so much political drama between countries, ElBaradei and his crew are constantly harassed from all sides when they make any decision or recommendation. No matter what the IAEA decides, its sure to piss someone off.

Want an example? Sure, here’s one you’ll remember: In the lead up to the current US/Iraq War, the US hounded the shit out of the IAEA to declare that Iraq had weapons. The IAEA went into Iraq to inspect, which pissed off the Iraqis. The IAEA couldn’t find enough evidence to support the claim of a nuke program, and ElBaradei made those facts public, which pissed the shit out of the US. As the story has unfolded after the US invasion, it turns out that ElBaradei was right, which pissed the US even more. In fact, the US was so pissed that it tried to block ElBaradei from being appointed to his third term in office. It was hilarious! The US tried to get their buddy Australia to put up a candidate to defeat Mohamed, but he is just to popular and even the Aussies wouldn’t do it! Ha! It’s just like high school man!

Long story short: know your ElBaradei. He is a level-headed dude who has been striving for peaceful resolution to world nuke issues for over a decade. He is routinely berated by the US and ‘the West’ who think he is too soft on Middle Eastern countries that they want to invade. He looks for facts, not speculation. He is a quiet, reserved man who doesn’t go to award dinners, doesn’t jet-set, doesn’t hang out with world leaders, and doesn’t play politics. He is a calm in the storm that is international politics: the mere fact that he pissed off nearly everyone is a good indicator that he is doing something right! As referenced in the story above, he put the smack-down on France for their hot-headed words concerning a strike against Iran by basically saying: France, chill out with ‘the hype.’ Quote: “I ask everyone to hold their horses until we do the process,” Ha! Hold your horses Frenchies!

Don’t mess with Mohamed my friends! This dude won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2005 (jointly with the IAEA), and he donated his winnings to set up orphanages in Egypt. He is the bomb! Oops…no pun intended. For all of this, and more, I call him Cool Hand Nuke. Hell, this dude may end up preventing a damn war or two, so be sure you know who he is, and what he is up to. His opinions can make or break a nuke program, a country, or a war effort. Seriously. If ElBaradei decides that Iran is breaching the rules, than one word from him can easily incite an invasion from the West.

As for me…its about time to hit the slopes. Where are my plaid ski pants?….

Greetings from Burma my plaid friends! The place was renamed Myanmar by the military dictator assholes who are currently crushing the country under an iron fist, so in the name of freedom, please always refer to this state as Burma: it’s first, true, and free name! But I get ahead of myself in this story, because quite frankly it pisses me off so much that it gets my panties in a bunch in a hot shit hurry! I just covertly slid my plaid hydrofoil craft onto the beaches of Burma outside of Rangoon. Why covertly? Because the whack leaders of this crazy state have turned this tropical paradise into a full-fledged psychotic hell on earth—and they don’t take kindly to strangers…especially those that are dedicated fighters for freedom! The Plaid Avenger will strike this place with a fury that hell hath not known! But first, some news:

Myanmar junta deploys police at monasteries to contain monk protests

Burma junta snarls at West

Burma cracks down on Students group

Myanmar junta accuses top activists of terrorism

Myanmar troubles Apec

So what you can see from the stories above is that Burma is currently entering a state of crisis for the government….but know this my plaid friends: it’s not the first crisis those assholes have encountered! Folks are starting to take to the streets to protest the doubling of fuel prices in the country that happened last week. And the military dictators in charge are responding as usual: by sending the army and police to arrest, or beat the shit out of, or outright kill the student protestors, regular working class folks, and even Buddhist monks! I’m sorry, but any government that kills college students and monks is just a pack of freakin’ shit-hounds in the Avenger’s eyes! Beating up college co-ed hotties? There is no excuse! Assholes! The lot of them! That’s why I refer to them as military ‘dick’-tators. Dammit! I’m fired up!!! But I digress as usual….back to the story:

The protests erupting across the country over fuel are being brutally suppressed, but you should be aware that what is happening right now is a repeat of past events. This is not new material. This pack of dick-tators has crushed, maimed, tortured and killed its citizens for over 45 years….especially the ones that have protested about anything, especially any kind of democratic reform. Hmmmm…perhaps we should back up the cart a little for you to understand this one…

Burma used to be part of the ‘British India’ colonial territorial holdings, which also included modern day India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh. The Brits gave up claim to these territories on in 1947, and thus began the history of the modern states of India and Pakistan…and of course our friends here in Burma. The transitional government was headed up by a dude named Aung San [this is an important dude: note his name] who was leader of the army and a great national hero who was poised to lead his country into a new democratic age, when he was assassinated by political rivals/soon-to-be-dick-tators in late 1947. The wimpy government that assumed control only lasted about 15 years before an outright dick-tator named General Ne Win chucked them out in 1962, starting a 26-year rule of bullshit.

And I do mean bullshit. This asshole actually ordered the bombing of his own country’s universities man! Under Ne Win’s reign, there were many crackdowns in which civilians and college students were terrorized and slaughtered. One of particular note was the ‘U Thant Uprising’ which occurred in 1974.

U Thant was a beloved Burmese academic who became the Secretary General of the UN. The freakin’ UN man! But he was despised by the military junta back home, basically because they were jealous little bitches. When U died and his body was sent back to Burma to be buried, the dick-tators refused to give him any honors, and were just going to dump his body in an unmarked grave. A group of students actually stole the damn guys coffin, and set up a make-shift mausoleum on Rangoon University. The generals sent in the army to kill as many students as possible and take back the body. Riots erupted in the streets at this action, so the dick-tators had to slaughter a bunch more folks to squash the uprisings. What a bunch of dics!

It would take a whole book to tell you about all the horrific shit these assholes have done, but I just want you to know one more reference in order to understand the events that are unfolding today….and that’s the ‘8888 Uprising.’ Yes my brothers and sista’s that’s right: its called the 8888, which makes it awfully easy to remember. It stands for the events of August 8^th, 1988 and it should make you pause to wonder why the West hasn’t invaded this damn country yet….

In a nutshell, by 1988 the mismanagement and political oppression brought to Burma by the dick-tators had taken its toll: Burma was one of the poorest most backwards nations on the planet. General Ne sucked so bad that even he had lost internal support and announced his retirement. A peaceful pro-democracy movement quickly spread through the country, and people took to the streets to demand a voice in their government. What they got instead was the living shit kicked out of them…

By 8-8-88, the movement erupted full-scale in Rangoon. Tens of thousands of students were joined by blue-collar workers, and families and even monks in the demonstrations. The Ne Win government fully collapsed, but was quickly replaced by the next dick-tator, General Saw Maung. Gen. ‘Buzz-Saw’ Saw declared martial law and proceeded to cut down thousands and thousands of unarmed men, women and children and even monks in a hail of bullets from the military. What an asshole! [Go rent the movie Beyond Rangoon for a decent depiction of these events.] But enter a new figure: Aung San Suu Kyi. Recognize the name? You should! She is the daughter of the most admirable Aung San, as mentioned above! And she is a hottie!

Aung San Suu Kyi returns to Burma after living abroad, and is so incensed about the 8888 Uprising, that she starts a campaign to bring democracy to Burma—a mission she is still on to this day! For two years she rallies the masses and organizes the peaceful movement of democratic change, and is extremely successful at it too!

What happens next is still a mystery even to me—and I was there man! I was so trying to hook up with Suu Kyi! But I digress… In 1990, the dick-tators for reasons unknown decided to allow an election and promised to allow the country to select the next government. The elections were held, and SURPRISE! SURPRISE! Aung San Suu Kyi and her democratic party won in a complete freakin’ landslide! Who the hell knows what the military dick-tators were thinking…I guess they radically over-estimated the “please we want to remain poor and fucked” voter demographic.

In any case, can you guess what happens next? That’s right: the dick-tators refused to recognize the results, arrested Suu Kyi, and went out and shot a bunch more of their own citizens just for good measure. And Suu Kyi has pretty much been under military house arrest ever since. And the country has pretty much been screwed ever since. For her efforts, Suu Kyi won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1991, and she has resolutely stayed on her mission for reform ever since. What a trooper! She is a serious fighter for truth, justice, and the democratic way! I get all teary-eyed just thinking about her!

In 1992 the government was taken over by General Than Shwe, and that asshole is still in charge to this day. What a joke. Look at all his nice medals on his chest…I wonder if they get a new medal each time they kill another 1000 Burmese? He certainly didn’t win any of those cracker-jack prizes in a real military campaign, because no one in Burma has ever been in one. They have to be the only army in history whose ‘battle’ victories have all been won against unarmed people. Geez what a bunch of ass nuggets…

But to finish up this rant, know this: what comes around goes around. And it looks like Burma is heading for another round. As witnessed this week, after the government raised fuel prices, grassroots political protests are starting to get hot…and they are growing fast. The initial protest may be over fuel, but just as in 8888, protest for real change is lying just under the surface. And just like in 8888, the government has promised to brutally beat the shit out of its own people to keep them in their place. But this time everyone is watching! APEC and ASEAN are two different economic groups which have been putting the heat on the generals to behave, and you Americans should be particularly proud to note that your country has had a trade embargo against this asshole government for years in order to effect some political change. Too bad the wussy Europeans and indifferent Chinese have not had the same hard -line as the US…which is why the junta has been able to survive and flourish for so long. But if another 8888 occurs, even the Chinese may start to get antsy about trading with Burma.

So it looks like a Burmese face-off is in place, and ready to explode at any time. And time may be running out for the dick-tators, especially if they start slaughtering folks again. But I won’t lie to you: they are bad-asses, and have basically promised a bloodbath, and have even bashed international voices that have been condemning them (i.e. the US).

Damn those Burmese bastards. Didn’t the US invade Afghanistan and Iraq partly to spread democracy? Well….what about Burma then? They actually already had successful elections! Free Aung San Suu Kyi! Come on America! Do what you do best! Invade this country! De-throne these assholes!! Let freedom ring!!!

So delicious (It’s hot hot)
So delicious (she put them boys on rock rock)
So delicious (They want a slice of what she got)
She’s Merkel-licious (t-t-t-t-t tastey, tastey)

Merkel-licious def-, Merkel-licious def-, Merkel-licious def-
Merkel-licious definition make them boys go crazy
Them world leaders love her–they want to make her babies
That Chancellor of Hotness, and of Germany’s
She’s the M to the E, R, K the L the E
And can’t no other lady put it down like she…
She’s Merkel-licious

Hello again world watchers! The Plaid Avenger has bopped back to Berlin to meet up with his favorite female fraulein freedom fighter…and seemingly the baddest ass lady leader in the world: Angela Merkel, the Chancellor of Germany! Damn, I love a woman in power! And this lovely lady has got it going on: she’s not only the current leader of Germany, but has also just led the most recent meeting of the G-8, and is also the current leader of the EU, and is also the undisputed leader of the worldwide movement to lower carbon emissions in order to slow global warming. And, and, and…this woman is all over the place! She is smokin’ on fire, busy as a bee, kickin’ ass and takin’ names global-style. Dig this:

The World’s 100 Most Powerful Women

Merkel to press China on Darfur

Merkel Pushes G-8 Climate Pledge in 5-Day Trip to China, Japan

Germany’s Merkel rated most popular midterm chancellor ever

The Stable Ms. Merkel

Merkel in lead role on G8 stage

And even though she’s a lady, Angela has got more balls than virtually any other world leader on the planet. Okay, I forgot about that the total Russian bad-ass Vladimir Putin…he’s got balls-a-plenty too—dudes! I’d like to see a cage match between those two world leaders! Wow, that would be insane! Or better yet, a drinking competition. A German versus a Russian in a drink-off! Holy shit, that might last for a week! But I digress as usual….let’s get back to the story….

Chancellor Angela Merkel is a world leader that I think you just absolutely have to get to know. She is one of those leader-types that is actually changing the entire world in which we live. And she has tremendous clout on the world stage right now, which makes her even more powerful than merely a leader of a single country. What the hell am I rambling about now? Well, I’ll tell you…

Politically, Angela Merkel is what you Americans would call on the conservative side of the spectrum. Her German political party, the Christian Democratic Union, would be comparative to the Republican Party in the US. As such, US President George Bush loves her sweet German ass! Check out the photo spread below: it was taken at a 2006 G-8 summit when George tried to give Angela a shoulder massage during the meeting. Ha! She was mortified! How fucking hilarious is that shit! He is such a goober!

Seriously though, Bush loves her! Angela’s predecessor was Chancellor Gerhard Schröder, and he was much more on the liberal side of the spectrum, much more like the Democrats in the US. As such, Bush and Gerhard didn’t get along so well. In fact, they hated each other. Under Schröder, Germany (along with France) were vehemently opposed to the US invasion of Iraq, and relations between the two countries sucked ass. But since Angela’s arrival in November 2005, US/German relations have been downright peachy! Well, except for that fucked up shoulder massage deal….

So the once soured relations between these two titans has significantly softened—remember, US has the #1 economy on the planet, Germany is #3. Political and economic relations have both improved radically in the last year, with the US avidly supporting economic incentives within Germany, and vice-versa. On top of that, the German economy under Merkel has been doing exceptionally well too. According to a recent poll, Merkel is the most popular Chancellor in post-war German history—I guess Hitler would still hold the top marks if you included the whole 20^th century—oops!

But hold the phone! We’re not done yet, because Angela has been doing a whole lot more than just leading her country! She is also the current head of the European Council, which is kind of like a CEO board for the European Union. The Council, like the EU, has a rotating leadership cycle, and Germany’s ticket was called for this year. So Ms. Merkel has also been extremely busy trying to strengthen the European Union—mostly by getting the EU constitution revamped and ready for member countries to vote on, and hopefully pass this time! The constitution got voted down last year, and the EU has been kind of floundering around every since. We’ll do a blog on the EU soon, but just know this for now: Germany under Merkel is a huge fan of beefing up the Union and making it stronger and more centralized (kind of like a United States of Europe), while several other countries (most notably the UK) do not want a beefier EU. We shall see how that plays out later this year….

So are we done yet? Not hardly! Merkel’s Germany also just hosted the latest G-8 summit; a summit which consisted of the richest, industrialized, democratic nations on the planet. And she let those guys have it too! Merkel is a staunch advocate of decreasing CO2 emissions in an effort to combat climate change, and as such was one of the creators of the Kyoto Protocol back in 1997 which called for all countries to set targets to decrease carbon crap output…you know: pollution. Many countries have been on-board for the idea, but what country do you think has outright refused to participate from the start? Yep…that’s right …the good ol’ US of A! And that’s why I want you to know how important Angela is, because it looks as if her global push for this stuff is actually starting to win over the US too! (US turning around on global warming). It’s amazing! She is the global shizznit!

To finish the rant: Merkel-licious has also been touring the globe, promoting trade relations with Germany of course, but also pushing her climate agenda, human rights stuff, European Union prerogatives, and even pressuring countries to step up against bullshit situations like the ones in Sudan, Iraq, and Afghanistan. She has partied across Europe, the Middle East and is currently on an Asian tour. Damn! When does this chick sleep?

So know your Merkel. Know she is a very popular conservative leader of Germany. Know that she has improved relations with the US greatly. Know that she is the global leader in the fight for reduced CO2 shit. Know that perhaps it is her political savvy combined with her more pro-US stance that has influenced the Americans to change their minds about the CO2 reduction shit. Hmmmmm…..now you are smarter than your average bear! And I want to see Merkel in a plaid miniskirt…..wow! Too hot too handle!

Greetings Globe Watchers! Your plaid correspondent just touched down in Paris last nite to attend an affable assembly of amicable ambassadors, all while absorbing vast amounts of Armagnac. French ambassadors that is, drinking that fine-ass French brandy. What the hell am I talking about? I’m talking about a speech given by French President Nicolas Sarkozy to the entire French ambassador squad—it is Nick’s first big speech on France’s new foreign policy since he took office back in May of this year. And it was a doozy! Remember way back when, when most folks thought of the Frenchies as a bunch of wussies? Oh wait, that was just yesterday…. But hold on folks! Today is a new day, and France has grown a huge set of balls overnite! Check this shit out:

Sarkozy: Iran’s nuclear plans could be “catastrophic”

Sarkozy calls for troop exit from Iraq

Sarkozy boosting French force in Afghanistan

Bush hosts Sarkozy, sans ‘freedom fries’

Talk about radical turn-arounds! What these stories all allude to is that President Nicolas Sarkozy is making a pretty big departure from standard French foreign policy of the last decade or two. For those of you not in the know, here is the deal: France has typically played spoiler to US foreign policy in terms of either not supporting it, or outright opposing it.

Like the current war in Iraq. The Frenchies (under their former President Jacques Chirac) blocked all moves made by the US at the United Nations Security Council to make the Iraq invasion a UN-sanctioned or UN-legitimized war. They refused to support the US, which of course served to piss off the Bush administration and Americans in general—remember when the Congressional cafeteria changed the name of French fries to Freedom fries? Hahahaha what a fucking joke! But to be sure, many Americans still hate the French for their liberal ways and refusal to blindly support US tactics. Many Americans refuse to even drink French wine as part of their protest. Mmmmm…more for me to drink! But once again, I digress…

But the times are a changing my friends! That was the old France, and Nicolas Sarkozy is the new—and much more pro-US—face of the Frenchies. Check the stories above again. He just came to the US and partied with George Bush last month! And the whole damn Bush clan was there too! They fed the poor bastard hot dogs and hamburgers and probably made him play whack-a-mole at the fucking county fair! How hilarious is that? You can think of Sarkozy as the Bush of France if it helps you remember him—he is conservative, pro-business, and much more hawkish than any of his predecessors when it comes to foreign affairs. Which brings us back to the brainstorm of this blog:

When it comes to foreign policy, President Sarkozy is a ballsy son of a bitch. In his speech to the ambassadors today, he unleashed several major points which depart radically from the Chirac administration:

BIG BALLS POINT #1: Sarkozy still thinks the Iraq war was a mistake, and even has balls of steel enough to call for the US to start pulling out troops….BUT, he in the same breath stated that France was now ready to help the international community bring about a political solution to the situation. Damn! That’s new!

BIG BALLS POINT # 2: Sarkozy wants to increase French troops and support to Afghanistan. Damn! That is a huge boost to the US and NATO forces in general which have been begging the international community to do more in that fucked up country. When is the last time you heard about the French wanting to increase troops anywhere? Certainly not in World War II. George Bush must be beaming with pride, as is NATO…particularly since most of the other European NATO countries have been dragging their feet on the Afghan situation. How can other countries not pony up if the French are going to? Damn, they will all have to save face now…

BIG BALLS POINT #3: Sarkozy basically totally agreed with current US foreign policy concerning IRAN. He said that Iran is the biggest threat in the Middle East, and under no circumstances would he sit idly by while they acquired nuclear technology. Shit man, he went as far as to subtly suggest that Iran would be bombed before he let them get the bomb. Damn! Balls-a-plenty! Iran is going to be pissed about that remark! But I’ll bet that George Bush and Dick Cheney cracked open a bottle of Jim Beam in the Oval Office to celebrate the Sarkozy speech. Yee-Ha! They got themselves an ally at last!

Long story short, know who Nick Sarkozy is. Know that he has an extremely similar world outlook as the Bush White House. And know this: we are very likely to see the French being more pro-active on the world stage than they have been since they sent Lafayette over to the colonies to help kick some British ass. We will see the Frenchies start to take a more central role in a lot of the world’s hotspots…be it in Africa, Iraq, Afghanistan, or even a drug-free Tour de France.

Sarkozy is going to put the French back in fries. For sure.