Alright, alright, alright already! Greetings global watchers. Plaid Avenger here, helping to kick off another semester of non-stop interpretation and interpolation of events that cause all sorts of global consternation. I’m sobering up and getting back in the saddle to be your World Regions super-correspondent from all points abroad…as opposed to being on all points on a broad! Wow! I’m back in fine form already! That should surely offend some of you folks…

But you know what offends people even more than my scurrilous and scandalous shenanigans? Well, the forced starvation of 1.5 million people of course! I’ve heard that you all are inquiring about some action going down on the Egyptian/Gaza border, and you need some help figuring it all out. It’s a big freakin’ mess to be sure, but check out just a smattering of today’s events to get a taste of the shit d’jour:

Egypt Tries to Close Gaza Border, But Fails

Hamas accepts Egypt invitation to meet Fatah

Humanitarian crisis? In Gaza?

Israel cuts off Gaza’s electricity

Security Council fails yet again to agree Gaza statement

What the living hell is going on in this place? I’m glad you asked. As of right this second, the Hamas-controlled Gaza Strip is being ignored by the Fatah-controlled West Bank, and it is also being trade embargoed by Jewish-controlled Israel….meaning there is a big ass wall around the entire place, and all exits have been sealed off. No one goes in, no one comes out. But the folks in Gaza kind of got tired of starving to death so they blew a big ass hole in the wall on the Egyptian side, and shit tons of people have been flooding into Egypt in order to buy supplies…or to simply escape. Most of the world, as well as the entire UN Security Council (minus the US), are berating Israel for starving out the Gazan residents. Meanwhile, he US and Israel are berating Egypt for letting the starving people escape. Got all that? Good.

WTF???

What’s that? You don’t understand that last paragraph? Well who the hell in America would? People working in the freakin White House can’t seem to figure out this situation either, and they get paid to do that stuff! And it is much too complicated an issue to cover in a single blog, so let’s revisit some reports I filed last summer concerning the background of this godforsaken mess of a place that continues to be the center of conflict in the Middle East, and the greater world.

Are you ready for that? Alright then, well do a five-part series to lay the foundation of understanding so you will know why these people blew a fucking hole in a wall to escape to Egypt…and why your government is working hard to fill that hole back up.

Day 1: Intro to the Insanity: Let’s talk Territory

Day 2: Who the hell is Hamas?

Day 3: What the freak is Fatah?

Day 4: World Opinion: Fatah Friends & Hamas Haters

Day 5: Back to the beginning, why the Egyptian Escape?

By the end of this 5-part Egyptian Escape series, you should be able to identify all of the following entities: Palestine, Israel, Fatah, Hamas, the Gaza Strip, the West Bank, the UN Security Council, and my favorite type of martini. But you will have to be really good to figure out that last one…

Let’s get it fired up! Let’s talk territory tomorrow…but first, a tipple or two…