Hello World Watchers! Plaid Avenger here, hanging out in Havana. That’s right, I’m in Cuba and I’ve been drinking mojitos since sunrise. Why am I in Cuba? Apparently the Bush administration is so bored and has absolutely nothing else going on in the foreign policy department that it decided to take some timely action on tackling one of the biggest threats to US security and certainly one of the biggest threats to world peace and stability: Cuba. Cuba? WTF? An impoverished island nation led by a dying 80 year old man is a threat? Yeah, maybe a threat to the availability of Depends undergarments in the Caribbean basin…but little else. So why so much attention from the world’s ‘superpower’? Check it out:
Bush Urges Support for Democratic Change in Cuba
Bush to Warn Cuba on Plan for Transition
Cuba Defiant in Face of Bush Speech
Castro, Succession, and the Future of Cuba

So Dubya decided to take the afternoon to discuss Cuba’s current government and how much it sucks. Why not? It’s not like he has any other foreign policy challenges to focus on right now. Its not like US troops are actively in open warfare in several foreign countries. I could understand that the administration would be too busy to deal with the Cuban titan if they were engaged in some global operations like…oh…I don’t know…maybe a war on terror…or maybe even a war on drugs. And I certainly would understand the administrations hesitancy to tackle the pressing Cuban issue if they were vamping up for a war on Iran…or even a disintegrating relationship with Vladimir Putin’s Russia. But, since nothing else is going on…its about time they zeroed in on that Castro freak!

So what’s the deal? Why does the US care about Cuba? What the hell could a nation of 11 million impoverished people do to get Bush’s proverbial panties in such a bunch?

For starters, Cuba is a communist country and we all know how much the US hates the commies! But the hate goes oh so much deeper than that, folks. Yes, because unlike the other lefty countries in South America, Cuba participated in a plan so heinous, that all diplomatic ties were severed…indefinitely. The US won’t send ambassadors to Cuba. The US won’t trade with Cuba. They won’t sell anything to Cuba. They won’t buy anything from Cuba. Shit, they won’t even allow Americans to travel to Cuba!

They hate Cuba! Hate, Hate, Hatey -hate-hates Cuba. Ever since the USSR bit the dust, Cuba is the only country that can give US politicians a freedom-boner the size of the Berlin Wall. We must liberate the Cubans from Castro’s iron fist! Yeeeeehaw!

Anyway, so what the hell did Cuba do that was so horrible? Why have we befriended other former commie states of the USSR, but continue to rail against the country that has blessed the world with Bacardi? Just this: The unforgivable crime was that Cuba allowed the Soviet Union to place nuclear missiles in their country, which, if you notice on the map, is really fucking close to Florida. Having Russian nukes pointed at us from Siberia is one thing, but to having Nukes pointed at us in our own back yard… that was pretty much an invitation to start World War III.

We look fearfully back at this event as the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis. Thankfully this whole ordeal was resolved peacefully. It turns out that the Russians only put missiles in Cuba because the United States had put nuclear missiles in Turkey. Both sides agreed to remove the missiles… crisis averted! But, seriously, fuck Cuba for taking part in that bullshit, right?! I mean come on! So what if it was 45 years ago! So what if the Cold War is over! So what if there are no commies left in the entire world except on this little island nation! The commies are a threat! I am scared! Shit! I think I just soiled my plaid boxers thinking about Castro attacking Florida with flaming rum-and-cokes!

To be sure…Castro is a freak of nature. The old fart is like a hundred and ninety-five years old, and is still a die hard commie-wanna-be. I suggest ‘wanna-be’, because communism really has never worked out anywhere in the world, and the Cuban experience is no exception. Its not so much a communist country, as just a really shit-poor and backwards, wanna-be communist country. And to be frank, the only one who really ‘wanna-its’ to be commie is Castro himself. He still is living like it’s the 1960’s and that communism is some real institution in the world with a chance of success. Dream on old-timer. Even Russia and China are living the capitalist Wild West right now! Its over dude! Wake up and smell the mojito man!

What a goober…but he’s not the only one! When it comes to Cuba, the US government is still living in the 1960’s too. Its like some freakin’ Cuban time warp with everybody on either side of the Florida Strait. Its the new Bermuda Triangle of sensible foreign policy! But I digress…

So what happened after the Cuban Missile Crisis? One important thing is that the US imposed an “embargo” against the Cuba government. An embargo is basically a declaration not to trade with a country. For instance, you can have an arms embargo that prevents the sale of weapons to a country. However, the Cuban embargo is full-on. US laws criminalize all kinds of interactions with Cuba. There is no allowed trade between Americans and Cubans. Americans are not allowed to travel to Cuba (The Avenger is here on an “Academic Exception”). And the worst is the cigars! No trade in Cuban cigars…some of the best smokes on the planet! The embargo was, and still is, intended as a way of crippling the communist government of Castro and fomenting a popular democratic revolution. Make’em so poor that they will revolt! Guaranteed success!

Well, it hasn’t worked for 45 years, and the US is still drinking the embargo’s bathwater. Clinton expanded it in ‘99 and Bush was praising it in his latest speech: “I also urge our Congress to show our support and solidarity for fundamental change in Cuba by maintaining our embargo on the dictatorship until it changes.”

Many people object to the embargo saying it only hurts the Cuban people. Cuba is a fairly poor country that could benefit from trade with the United States. The theory behind free trade is that it will help raise everyone out of poverty. Most level-headed folks also believe that increasing trade is a much better way to also increase cultural interactions…and by helping Cuban folks get rich and educated, you would be actually strengthening their resolution to change their government too. But, this argument holds little weight in Washington as the embargo enjoys widespread bipartisan support. Oh, andwhat is I’m sure a total coincidence, lots of supporting congressmen also receive serious campaign contributions from angry Cuban expats—expats who got their shit taken from them by Castro & Co. during the Cuban Revolution, and who seriously think that they will get all their shit back when Castro goes away. Good luck with that.

Another thing that evolved from the Cuban missile crisis is the Red Phone that sits on the President’s desk in the Oval Office. After the fiasco, US and Russian leaders decided to install a protected line from Moscow to Washington DC in case something like this ever happened again. So, if another crisis evolved, either World leader had the other on speed dial. This was a pretty dandy little compromise for the time.

And the US should probably keep a close eye on that Red Phone….as comments from Vladimir Putin in today’s news indicate that he may be using that phone soon. In point of fact, he even referenced the 1962 Missile Crisis just today! Dig:

US missile plans echo Cuban crisis, says Putin

Hmmmm…..more missile madness than you can shake a stick at. We better investigate this missile shield shit and way its pissing off Russia. Ha! Tomorrow’s blog is set then! I shall set off for the shores of Siberia again, post haste!

But I have to end this rant for now, because my Red Phone is ringing. And no, it’s not Vlad the Man... The only callers on my Red Phone are foxy plaidettes and right now I think I have a date with a Socialist Senorita. Until next time, Plaid Brothers and Sisters, party on.

Or as they say here in the islands…Buenos Tacos.