What the hell is up party plaid people? I heard you kicked ass on your mid-term exam….Congratulations! Your success was probably largely thanks to my colorful and creative cacophony of clarifying current event concoctions, of course! And sticking with the alliteration of C, I just had to come down to Costa Rica to check out the crazy conclusion of this CAFTA circumstance here in Costa Rica. Ha! Top that you whack-ass wanna-be CNN analysts! But I’m sure you have not a crack-addict clue what the hell CAFTA is, so let’s get to work….

Central American Leaders Applaud Costa Ricans Approving CAFTA

Costa Rica votes in referendum on US free trade deal

U.S. warns Costa Rica against rejecting CAFTA

CAFTA will open doors for Costa Rica’s workers, farmers, and entrepreneurs point

DR-CAFTA: A Bad Deal for Poor Countries counter-point

So Costa Rica barely approved the acceptance of the CAFTA deal this week…like by only 52% yes to 48% nay. So what the crap is this CAFTA covenant? And why the hell was the US so concerned about it? Because I’m serious dudes: people in DC were sweating bullets about this Costa Rican vote. What? Why would rich ass bureaucrats in the Beltway give a shit about some rum-swilling, eco-touring, po’ folks south of our border? Here’s why:

DR-CAFTA stands for the ‘Dominican Republic/Central America Free Trade Agreement’ and is an international treaty to increase free trade. It was ratified by the Senate of the United States in 2005. So far its members include the US, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Dominican Republic….and now Costa Rica. Like NAFTA (the North American Free Trade Agreement between US/Canada/Mexico), its goal is to privatize public services, eliminate barriers to investment, protect intellectual property rights, and eliminate tariffs between the participating nations. Many people see DR-CAFTA as a stepping stone to the larger, more ambitious, FTAA—which stands for the Free Trade Agreement of the Americas…dudes! The whole freakin’ Western Hemisphere man! In one single big ass trade block! How insane would that be?

So why isn’t the US just pushing for the FTAA right this second? Why aren’t they just trying to get every single country to sign up for that gargantuan free-trade block? Oh…that’s right…I just remembered! Because a bunch of Latin American countries totally fucking hate the idea, and have told the US to kiss their ass in no uncertain terms.

Hmmmm….let’s test your Latin American learning my plaid amigos: what leaders south of the border would be opposed to some trade block action with the US? If you answered Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, Evo Morales of Bolivia, Fidel Castro of Cuba, Daniel Ortega of Nicaragua, and Lula de Silva of Brazil, then you win a shot of tequila! For each one of your right answers too! But don’t drink them yet, or you won’t be able to finish this blog. Seriously.

Since the rise of the letftist/socialist in Latin America (don’t know what I’m sayin’? Check: Incensed Iranian links up with Lively Latin Leftists…and America Annoyed) the US has been fighting a losing battle trying to get countries fired up to have a Americas-wide free trade block. When George Bush entered office seven years ago, he had high hopes of the FTAA going forward. But then the Latins turned left, and at this juncture virtually no South American country supports the endeavor—except for Colombia, which is just an Latin American lap dog . Which is precisely why the US revamped its approach, and started targeting Central America first. The plan is now to basically bite off a small piece at a time, getting groups of more pliable countries on board for the free trade gig…with hopes that eventually the whole deal will go down, from Canada all the way to the chilly tip of Chile! You dig?

But why so tough a fight to begin with? Wouldn’t poor ass countries be thrilled to get a trade deal with the US? The controversy regarding DR-CAFTA is very much like the controversy regarding NAFTA…and eventually the controversy with the proposed FTAA too. Many people are concerned about the US losing jobs to poorer countries where the minimum wage is lower and environmental laws are more lax. Also, some people are concerned that regional trade blocs like DR-CAFTA undermine the project of creating a worldwide free trade zone using organizations like the WTO. On top of that, lots of poor folks in those poor countries are worried that the local businesses face unfair competition if they open their doors to the US giant.

And think about it. Could any Costa Rican company really compete with Wal-Mart? Or Ford Motor Company? Or Exxon? You gotta face the facts: these trade blocks create a level economic playing field between countries…and even medium-sized US companies can beat the shit out of anybody in a fair fight. And they can beat the shit out of them even worse in an unfair fight…which many think CAFTA is. However, many economists would argue the counter-point: that opening trade will increase international investment and bring companies in to set up shop to take advantage of cheaper labor. And free trade allows those Central Americans to buy US goods for even cheaper too—because you know how huge the Guatemalans demand for US-made Hummers is….ummmm…yeah…right….But as capitalist theory goes, free trade will increase all trade in the long run, which means more money and more jobs for everyone in the long run. The question is: how long is that run?

So the fight for free trade is a much debated debacle of our age….and the Americans are extremely anxious to continue the free trade ball rolling south of the border, so as to keep the dream of the FTAA alive as well. That’s why the Costa Rican CAFTA vote was such a nail-biter for the US administration.

Ah….but the Plaid Avenger will let you in on another little secret that the headline news sources are too shallow to figure out! The US has another strategic interest in keeping Latin American countries tied to them economically….and that reason is China! In what cannot be a coincidence, the Costa Ricans just dropped their ties with Taiwan, in order to officially establish ties with China (Check: Taiwan loses Costa Rica’s support).

What’s that got to do with anything? Just this: In officially recognizing China, Costa Rica is opening the door to all kinds of spectacular trade deals with the Asian giant. And do you think the US wants that? Oh hell no my friends! The US is fighting desperately to not be displaced out of Latin America altogether! So I’m here to tell you, the US had its nuts in a vice over this CAFTA vote! They were begging, pleading, threatening, cajoling, coercing, and outright demanding that Costa Rica side up with them on this CAFTA thing….with the primary motivation to keep China’s influence at bay! You heard it here first my friends!

And I have to say, my plaid hat is off to President Oscar Arias and his whole Costa Rican funky bunch…they just played a masterful hand of pitting the two world powers against each other, completely benefiting themselves. Nice job guys! You got China and the US kissing your asses!

Damn I’m good! I bet no one has linked these two stories but me. But then again, no one but me has had so many sultry relationships with so many Costa Rican hotties either…

How else do you think I have such good insider information….Watch out all you world leaders! Protect your wives from …the Plaid Avenger!