Hopefully, there will be no pun intended in that headline, but I figured it might grab your attention. Dammit! Ouch! Stop reading this blog so loudly! I’ve got a wicked APEC hangover, and I’ve had enough Foster’s Lager and kangaroo steaks to last a lifetime…but let’s press on to business…

Greetings again my plaid friends…I’m still down here, down and out, in ‘Down Under’ for one last report as a follow up to the big Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation summit which finished up yesterday. I’m getting the Plaid Hydrofoil all fueled up, and the mini-bar stocked up, for my next mission which is taking me across the water to Burma. But in the fleeting moments of what I remember from the APEC festivities this weekend, I feel that I must tell you about a big global issue that is going down, and a lot of private meetings here in Sydney attest to these events….What am I referring to? Why, uranium of course! Now I’ve heard about rings around Uranus, but this is more about Uranium around the Rim….specifically, the Pacific Rim. Dig this:

China wants a slice of the uranium cake

China signs deal for Australian uranium

Australian Uranium: The Indian Exception

Russia joins rush for Australian uranium

Japan joins the fray with push to secure uranium supply

Japan and Australia outline defense pact

Why would I suggest that these stories are big news? Because the Plaid Avenger is here to tell you that all of these stories in combination are part of a new trend: the race to shift to nuclear energy has begun! And this race is freakin’ ON my friends! Here’s the deal:

The world needs energy. Actually, people in the world and the world’s economies need energy to live, breath, survive and grow. In today’s world, no energy: no nada! Most of the energy in today’s world is provided by fossil fuels…you know: oil, coal, and natural gas. But several factors are coming together to make fossil fuels less desirable: higher prices, global instability of supply (a lot of fossil fuels come from the Middle East; shit, can you get more unstable?), as well as new-found environmental concerns that burning fossil fuels is too polluting (wow! Really?) and contributes to global warming (what? Really?—no shit!). Given these big negatives, lots of folks are increasingly looking to nuclear power to fill the great energy demands of the 21^st century globe. But what the hell has that got to do with Australia? Or APEC? Or global warming? Just this:

1)Australia has 40% of the world’s uranium. Damn! That’s almost half! They’ve got shit tons of uranium! And what do we use uranium for? To generate nuclear power of course….with a by-product being plutonium which is the main ingredient for nuclear bombs. In a strange twist of fate, Australia is one of the few rich countries on the planet which does not generate any nuclear power whatsoever! How bizarre!

2)Australia has been very busy here lately selling uranium to all sorts of folks:

• they sell it to their big brother, the US
• to the Japanese, who use nuclear power for 30% of their fuel needs
  
• to the French, who use nuclear power for 75% of their fuel needs
• they just signed a deal to sell uranium to the Chinese, who have a huge thirst for energy resources of all types
• to the Russians: in an agreement formed just this weekend at the APEC meeting, Australia is now a go to hook up the Ruskies with uranium too.
• And lastly, to India in a very ‘special’ deal that deserves further elaboration:

In a landmark deal that went down last month, Australia decided to make India an exception to the rule that it would not sell uranium to any country that had not signed the NPT (Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty). That treaty was created in 1968 for the intent of limiting nuclear weapon technologies—basically everyone who signs it promises not to develop nuke weapons, or disseminate nuke information. There are only 4 countries in the whole plaid planet that are not in it. Can you guess which ones? A: India, Pakistan, Israel, and North Korea. Granted, five countries who signed the treaty already had nukes. Can you guess them too? A: US, UK, Russia, China, France. Altogether, these countries constitute what I call the NUKE NINE: all these guys have nukes, have tested nukes, or have developed something close to a nuke whether they admit it or not [Israel has never admitted; North Korea may have something close; all others are declared nuke holders]. But back to our Australian story…

Australia, with urging from the US, has decided to go ahead and hook up India with the uranium goods. Why? India has a fast-growing economy which is going to demand much more energy…more energy every year, year after year, in perpetuity. Kind of like China. And India is a democracy, which means the US wants to be their buddy. In fact, the US, Australia, India and Japan are now forming up an Asian democracy club in order to have a strategic alliance to counter the growth of China. How sweet! The Axis of Asia! But there is one last reason why the US/Australia team wants to sell more uranium to India…which brings us full circle back to our Australian story of what went down at APEC, and our 3#

3) Australia and the US are suddenly pushing hard for countries to start using more nuclear energy because it’s a cleaner fuel, and limits the effects of global warming. [Peaceful use of nuke energy is also the third pillar of the NPT.] What? Those two damn countries refused to sign the Kyoto Protocol, which was an anti-CO2 emissions pact that has been out for years! What gives? I’m glad you asked.

The US and Australia never signed Kyoto because they argued that they shouldn’t have to reduce CO2 emissions since China and India were exempt from reductions. Why was that? Because the framers of Kyoto didn’t want to destroy the Asian giants’ economies by immediately forcing CO2 reductions. That was supposed to be worked in at a later date. The US argued that the whole process was a joke since China and India would soon be the largest polluters on the planet…of course the top polluter spot is still claimed by the US itself!

Fast forward to APEC last week: the US and Australia have jointly unveiled a new plan to counter CO2 emissions, and guess what it is? That’s right!!! Use more nuclear energy! How perfect! It does a whole bunch of stuff simultaneously: Provides energy for all the growing countries; provides cleaner energy, thus reducing CO2 and global warming; decreases reliance on the volatile Middle Eastern energy resources; and sells a shit-ton of Australian uranium, thus making them money! OMG I think John Howard just had an orgasm thinking about it.

Result: the US giving the green light for Australia to sell uranium to Russia for energy production, to its ally Japan for energy production, and even to India—in fact the US has already agreed to transfer all sorts of nuclear technologies to their ally India as well. And here’s a real trick to the equation too: if a lot more countries start using nuclear power, that will decrease the demand on fossil fuels, which will ultimately mean the prices will go down…so people in the US can still keep driving their Hummers that get 2 MPG! It’s a freakin’ win-win-win for everybody man!

…or at least that’s the theory. We shall see how it turns out. The Plaid Avenger just wants you to know this for now: the uranium race is officially on, and we are officially starting the nuclear energy age. Like it or not, its coming! By the time you are all grandparents, nuclear energy may be what fuels half the world. The race is on! Invest in nuke stocks my friends!

But hmmmmm…..what to do with all that leftover plutonium??? I’m sure somebody, somewhere will put it to use…..

On to the hydrofoil!…