Ha! Smashing comedy! How capital! And speaking of capital, today’s topical topic involves those eight countries containing copious quantities of capital—the G-8. The Great-8 as I like to refer to them as. And the G could also stand for G-money my brotha’s and sista’s cause the 8 has got that too! I was just taking a weekend holiday in Amsterdam, when sure enough anywhere I show up shit hits the fan…and by shit I mean beer bottles, rocks, tear gas…you know, usual mob stuff.

That’s right friends, it’s almost time for the annual G8 summit and the Germans decided to start celebrating a couple of days early! Check this out:

G-8 Protesters Clash With German Police

Violent clashes at G8 demo in Germany

You remember the G8, right? If not, the G8 is basically just a group of eight richest “democratic” countries (Germany, US, UK, France, Italy, Canada, Japan, and Russia). Once a year, the leaders of the G8 states like to get together and chat—mostly about staying rich and keeping everyone else poor. This is actually how the G8 got started—leaders from the six richest, most awesome democratic countries (this is before Canada and Russia joined the club) met for cocktails in 1975 and after the party, they decided to do it again next year. This yearly party slowly evolved into a formal organization with a rotating presidency, blah, blah, blah…

Anyway, there is one sucky aspect about being president of the G8: you gotta host the party! Let me tell you, I have hosted some Animal House style parties in my day, but even the Plaid Avenger would NEVER choose to host a G8 summit! Nothing incites the poor, the disenfranchised, and the radical-left like a bunch of empowered white dudes getting together to bullshit about being rich. And NOBODY likes to riot more than the before mentioned groups (except, perhaps, residents of Detroit, Michigan).

As you can tell by the articles, this year’s summit is being held at a beach front resort in Heiligendamm, Germany. Ahhh… summer in Germany… and there is nothing as exclusive as a beach front resort surrounded by a giant-ass barb wire fence. And with an “underwater barrier” erected to keep out all the damn boats. (Plaid Party Tip: The secret to throwing a great summit—Fortify the SHIT out of the place!) The party will surely be wild inside the fence. It will be the last G8 summit meeting for several important heads of state: Vlad “The Man” Putin, Tony “Poodle-Boy” Blair, and Jacques “The Rock” Chirac (Plaid Prediction: the Kempinski Grand Hotel will be several bathrobes short at the end of the summit). It will also be the first G8 summit for Gordon ‘Brown Sugar’ Brown, Nick ‘the Knife’ Sarkozy, and Shinzo “Sake-to-me” Abe—who, according to several sources, is capable of drinking over 30 Sapparo Black Label beers in one sitting! Sweet!

But, the real excitement will be outside of the fence. The pre-party started at a peaceful protest” in nearby Rostock. Don’t be surprised if people get more pissed and more violent after the summit actually begins! While G8 summits are typically filled with protest, this year may be worse than normal. Here are a few reasons why:

1.Energy costs are sky high.

2.Global Warming scares the shit out of people living in the Northern European lowlands.

3.GW Bush is remarkably even LESS popular than he was last year. Jesus! How is that possible?

What will the summit accomplish? Probably nothing as usual. This international group does not have any binding contractual agreement to actually do or enforce anything. It’s more just a ‘fireside chat’ among these top world leaders about what to focus on in the coming year, with no real intent to actually put any policy in place.

However, you should be aware about this ‘focus’ stuff. It was absolutely no coincidence that US President George Bush suddenly came out with a policy just last week which states that his administration wants to start dealing with global warming—after essentially ignoring the issue for six years! Its going to be up for debate at the G-8, and George doesn’t want to be odd man out anymore.

Also, look for everyone to be kissing Putin’s ass as much as possible since Russia is flexing its muscles here lately since establishing itself as an energy-producing giant. Since Russia provides shit-tons of energy to Europe, I’ll also bet that Putin is going to be putting the squeeze on those European leaders to convince the US to stop building its missile defense shield sites in Eastern Europe—in fact I’d put a lot of money on that bet.

OK, enough on this, I’m headed back to the “coffee shop”. I’ll catch you plaid cats later. Party in plaid.